It’s like he is still trying to stay married to me by acting like an insane person. If he continues to be insane, I’ll have to pay attention. I’ll have to deal with his insanity. His way of staying in control as a constant madman, of controlling me by distraction, always being on edge, having to try and stay steps ahead of him and deal with his bullshit. Because we share the kids.
Imagine what this is doing to my daughter. She who deserved a peaceful quiet life and upbringing in a kind environment. To have to live with this madness since born. I feel terrible to have had children with this man, to have brought them into this life with a madman. I don’t really understand how I got myself into this, but I also know it’s not my fault. But it’s wrong. I know that I wanted to have a good life, a family, etc. And I ended up marrying the wrong guy, having kids with the wrong guy, and he is a dud. A total loser. A bad man. I deserve better, they do too.
I don’t know why I had to play the role of survivor. I did not expect or anticipate this for my life. As a strong and good mother, maybe I just needed to play this role because God thought I would be really effective. Who knows. I just am amazed I was set to be a great mother and it turns out my mothering is suffering and has to manage THIS instead. Why? When I could be giving my kids so much better?
I am so tired of paying attention. In the movie the Clockwork Orange someone has to have their eyeballs held open against their will. I no longer want to pay attention to my insane madman of an ex. He forces my eyes to look, to see, to follow his chaotic movements, in order to protect them because he hurts them, and that takes my attention away from myself, my health, my job, my finances, my children, my family, those little times when I could seek some joy or happiness. He forces me into court, to pay money I don’t have, to pay attention. He squeezes my attention out of me like it’s the last drops of blood and breath I have. He squeezes and squeezes and squeezes and gets more.